I had to loosen up the drapes over my bedroom window because the view outside has gotten me melancholic.
I have written about how negative I have become lately (re: the past few months to be exact) and the past week, it all (finally) just came bursting out. How, you ask (I assume, see).
It was dark outside, and it was raining. I still had so many things to do and I feel like my To Do list is never running out of things. I looked around only to realize I was alone and all of a sudden burst into tears. I was tired, it was the time of the month and with it, most of my body ached.
C, being the boyfriend that he is, was trying to keep me calm-slash-sane when he went on to say that “Babe, I know my job is to support you. I support and love you in every single way. It’s just..masyado ka na talagang negative. It’s unhealthy. Babe, nasasaktan din ako para sayo, alam mo ba yun? I can’t stand na every single day unhappy ka sa ginagawa mo.”
I thenk talked to my best friend and my mom, and I apparently have been in this state longer than I thought I was.
It was a slap in the face snapping me back to reality that not everything is about me, me, me. I have whined and wallowed in self pity far too long.
So I made a list of the things where my bad juju comes from and came up with certain “fixes”. Here are some of them: sell pastries (because I want to be paid for something I actually enjoy doing), eat healthy (I have broken up with rice and chips for the moment because my tight clothes make me hate myself) and go home early. The last one is a struggle because I have so many extra stuff to do, which leads to one of my hardest fix - to say no to things I cannot focus on.
I committed to this fixes and let’s see how I do. I also went a little further and made a 3-year plan based on the current circumstances. I have kept asking WHY I do what I do - and I have come to the realization that maybe those answers will only come to me once I get to the big picture. So even if I do not know what I am doing, I have a clear goal of what I actually want to be doing. *pats back*
It will be rough and I know there will be times I will succumb to that everybody-sucks-and-I-hate-everyone-and-everything feeling once in a while but I also know I’m resilient. Let’s resurrect that bright-eyed optimistic person, shall we?